Going Through

from flickr user sheltercrow

“The only way out is through.  I must pass through my madness.” ~ Red Hawk

I had started this re-imagination of the Ahimsa Mama blog with the hope of getting back to regular blogging, but life seems to have other plans for me.

I’ve been considering this post for awhile, but every time I try to write it, it comes out sounding like the most depressing holiday family letter ever.  The kids are great, John is great, and I’m….vertical.

In the past four months, give or take, I’ve been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and an ovarian cyst, gotten the worst flu of my life, developed allergies, seen my beloved Wellspring Community School close, and…had a nervous breakdown.  Not the kind that people talk about, like “if this kid doesn’t stop crying I’m going to have a nervous breakdown”, but the real kind that required some pretty intensive psychiatric care.  I wasn’t an inpatient, I refused to have my kids remember when Mommy was so sad that she had to go to the hospital, but I did a five-week intensive outpatient program which was, as the name implies, pretty intense.

I have been an inpatient in my younger days, and I’ve suffered some major depression in my life.  The postpartum weeks following the birth of both of my children were especially difficult.  I suffer from bipolar disorder (2) – I don’t get psychotic and jump off buildings because I think I can fly, but I do go through phases of hypomania interspersed with phases of depression.  The mania feels sort of like being high-functioning – it definitely looks like that to other people – and I make lots of commitments during those times that become difficult to live up to when I’m in a depressed phase, which makes the depression that much more depressing.  Right now I’ve been in a long and low phase of depression, and I’m struggling to get through the days and do all the things I need to do to keep my family running and myself healthy.  Writing has not seemed to fit into my schedule very well.

So, when the time comes that I’m a little more stable, and able to think a little more clearly, I will return to this blog and get back at it.  For now, I have other responsibilities that I must attend to – my family, my home, and my own physical and mental health.